Calming My Storm
Trust and peace don’t come easily for me—anxiety does. Even as a believer, anxiety has almost always taken up space in my mind and heart. I’ve tried all the “tricks,” mastered all the exercises, and researched almost all the medications.
Although some would say my anxiety “makes sense” due to my long history of medical trauma, no one enjoys living anxiously. Still, for nearly a decade, like clockwork in the middle of the night, I have woken up, and the anxiety or panic attacks begin. My heart palpitations lead to the racing, incoherent thoughts and I simply lay there, feeling helpless. Though I’ve always known my God is bigger than my anxiety, it can seem impossible to calm my racing heart and mind down long enough to speak biblical truth in the midst of my anxiety.
One night, I decided to stop attempting to reason with myself when fear and panic roll in. I simply started muttering the names and attributes of Jesus alphabetically. Sometimes, those names were easily announced into the void. Alpha. Beloved. Counselor. Divine. Other times, though, I could barely get my tongue to form the words. Jehovah Jireh. Jireh? If he were truly Jireh—which means provider—wouldn’t he provide peace?
Still, I’d force myself to continue down the alphabet. Kind. Loving. Master. Before I knew it, I was focusing on Jesus, rather than my anxiety. With each spoken name or attribute, I’d silently pray, “Jesus, is this still true of you? Are you still good? Are you still holy?” I always have to admit that, even when I don’t see those truths in the middle of my anxiety, Jesus never changes, even when my anxiety does.
What an amazing God we serve who can speak his truth and goodness into our hardest moments! Although anxiety is a thorn in my side, it has taught me to look for Jesus even when He feels invisible. The truth is, focusing on him gives me reasons to trust him in the future. Often, those late-night panic attacks end with me crying out, “I see you in this, Jesus. Just help me see you more!”
May that always be our hearts’ cry as followers of Jesus in the midst of life’s storms.